


How Do You Feel?

by truxtonn



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-10
Updated: 2013-09-10
Packaged: 2017-12-26 04:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/961496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/truxtonn/pseuds/truxtonn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It comes out cold, something he’s still not used to but he’s oddly calmed by the words, it feels as though Levi couldn't have said it better. It’s nice to have someone acknowledge and say out loud that he is tortured, for once.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Do You Feel?

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: potentially triggering, thoughts of self-harm? kind of?  
> -  
> damn it this isnt Cool at all but i just needed some way to get out all my emotions, this is totally not cleaned up and there might be typos even but i hope you can enjoy it anyway

It happens when he’s still grieving, desperately attempting to let go of the regret bottled up inside of him battling against the images of lifeless faces still burned in his mind. He knows he has no one to blame but himself, no matter how much it hurts. Before, he had been able to hold it together (and it’s strange how crying quietly is now ‘holding it together’ in his mind). But, when the hall feels so long and empty, his steps feel so meaningless is when everything, of all times, comes crashing down on him. Eren had known this would happen, somewhere deep within his heart but hadn't expected it so soon, and not like this. Definitely not like this.

But the realities he’s been trying so hard to deny hit him, as he stops suddenly, an invisible weight on his chest keeping him from breathing correctly. He stumbles, lets his body hit the wall, barely registering the pain as he slides down, he is boneless. Eren thinks about the very things he’s been trying to avoid for months, some for years. If maybe there is more to the world than black and white, if his view of justice so far has been questionable. It’s all so difficult to comprehend and he feels tired - the fact that he is the same very thing that snapped his mother’s spine and devoured her.

He really is a monster, he had never rejected the idea but avoided it, his goals had been the only thing on his mind, it was all or nothing and he hadn't had time for the gray, no time for guilt or self-loathing. And he hates it, hates himself that he couldn't keep it at bay until the end, couldn't keep up with his ambitions and his need for revenge. Eren realizes he’s on the floor now, his gaze going to his hand, he feels the urge to bite it and it makes him feel worse. ‘It’s not like I would transform anyway. I don’t have a goal right now.’ He doesn't know why now of all times he chooses to believe Hanji's old theory.

The boy feels self-pity for the first time in a long time. Carelessly he moves the hand despite everything, about to bring it to his mouth as it’s a compulsion now, he knows it’ll make him feel better, it has too, he’ll know that he’s still alive and still has great things ahead of him by feeling that pain. Maybe it’ll be alright even if he does transform. Then he could let his anger out. Something stops him though, and it takes him a few seconds to realize it’s a foot on his arm, keeping it from inching any further. Eren blinks slowly, glancing up to meet Corporal Levi’s eyes. His hand starts to itch uncomfortably. 

“Yeager.” The older man addresses him warning, daring, and the boy plunges even further into himself emotionally, closing his eyes and letting his head hit the floor again, the coldness of it against his body is somewhat calming now that he can focus on it. “What are you doing?” He can’t answer, because he really doesn't know. He never fucking knows. Eren tries to imagine that key, tries to restore his normal hope and passion by imagining the truth in that basement. He doesn't hear Levi sigh, making a decision, doesn't hear him move his foot and bend down to examine the – monster, he’s still a monster and they all know it now, even the dead – closer.

Slowly, he’s forced to stand, one of his arms ending up slung around Levi’s shoulder, and he really doesn't feel like getting up, wants to stay there and forget about everything for a while. He begins to walk nearly automatically, the Corporal supporting him as he leads them to a room Eren won’t recognize when he opens the door. “I never would have thought that I would be the one taking care of a tortured boy like you.” It comes out cold, something he’s still not used to but he’s oddly calmed by the words, it feels as though Levi couldn't have said it better. It’s nice to have someone acknowledge and say out loud that he is tortured, for once. 

Levi dumps him on the bed that's in the unfamiliar room and Eren doesn't protest physically or verbally, it doesn't really occur to him that this isn't the basement until the man pulls the covers over him after removing his shoes with what Eren could only assume was an eye roll. He opens his mouth to speak, but Levi beats him to it, reading his mind. “I’m putting my faith in you.” The Corporal explains which surprises the brown haired boy. “Because you did the same and I led you astray.” And it’s maybe a little too simple; since he remembers Mikasa remarking once how ridiculous it was that they even kept him in that basement in the first place.

But it means a lot to him anyway, especially when the other joins him, getting comfortable on the other side, and they aren't close, if Eren strains he can sense Levi’s body heat barely, that’s it though. That’s okay, because he couldn't ask for anything more right now, (even if a small part of him that he can’t deal with wants more) not with how the situation is, not with how much the man is going against everything he had ever taught himself to do this, for Eren. He is grateful, doesn't think about how they are going to talk about this tomorrow, or if they can even begin to explain it to each other. It isn't scary either way, which makes him want to smile.

Levi must know by now that this is a beast that he shares a bed with.

Maybe it’s alright and Levi can be relieved because his hunger is satiated. 

(Or maybe not, but instead he’s just too tired to care about hunger right now. He suppose only time will tell them.)

He falls asleep easily.


End file.
